Stardust

Stardust

When the thought of you brings me a smile
and trades nightmares for lullabies
I'll think of them as orange rays
that fill the crinkles of my eyes.

When your song I find in trees
and stone and snow and rocks and sea
I'll think of it as cool green breeze
that lifts my flames past the leaves.

And when I feel my love for you,
It's pure, unadulterated hues,
I'll think of it as lone stardust
sprinkled on my grave of blue.

A boxful of love was delivered to my house yesterday. The fact that my parents sent me a big pink butterfly-shaped balloon proves that they think I am 6 years old. The fact that I love it proves that I am. :-/

All the goodies absolutely made my day. Aah, the benefits of being a spoiled brat. :)

"And the air was full of Thoughts and Things to Say. But at times like these, only the Small Things are ever said. Big Things lurk unsaid inside."
- Arundhati Roy, (The God of Small Things)

It is the tendency of human nature to ignore the Big Things, even when they are chewing us up inside, desperate to break out and start a story of their own, and still, we keep them hidden, afraid that if released they would spread like spores and fill everyone with the knowledge of your vulnerabilities. So we make a big deal of the Small Things. It is what keeps us all happy, sane, and helps us survive.

I live in denial of Big Things, and Big words, looking at them with the corner of my eye. Yes, it is the tendency of my nature to smooth over the Big Things, while My God of Small Things stands forlorn, invalidated. I pretend to be content with what I give, and revel in the small tokens of acceptance that I might throw your way.

Teacher

I still remember the day I met you. We were both young, and neither of us understood much of what was happening. I was happy, though, for sure. You just seemed confused, happy as long as milk was being provided.
You slept in your little bed-box. Sometimes you climbed out too. You got my little pink stuffed elephant because Mummy said you felt lonely sleeping all alone at night. I remember how much it would stink later on! I didn’t mind though, even when you tore it to pieces. I liked you, you see. Even when you chewed up all our dolls and slippers, even when Papa was so angry at you because you tore his uniform. Even when you peed on me when I was showing you off to my friend, I still liked you.
I also remember the day you bit me. And I had to get a shot. Well, I guess there was a day I didn’t like you.
And then you grew!! You were bigger than me for a while, and wouldn’t fit in my arms! And you yelled at everyone! Even when one of us came home, you would run and slide and bark at the door mad as a dog! Not much with Papa though, you’d sit staring at the door, ears cocked, waiting to jump on him as soon as he comes home.
You loved us so much, even when we took you to the vet, even when we gave you a bath knowing fully well how much you disliked it. Even when we all ate a yummy dinner and forgot to give you your share. You jumped and wagged and loved. As if that’s all you knew how to do.
And then I grew up, and you could fit into my arms again. Now you’re old. And your doctor says we should feel lucky to still have you around. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve always known how lucky I was... am. I loved coming home to you. I loved holding you when you came into my room at 2am, shaking from the noise of the firecrackers.
I know your eyes don’t work so well now, and your ears don’t always hear when they should. Though I know you’ll never read this or hear me say it, I know you know how I feel. Because you know Love. You should, you taught me how to.

What's on your mind?

"There’s too many things I haven’t done yet.

Too many sunsets I haven’t seen."

"I apologize once again, I’m not in love

But it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking.

Yes, I deserve nothing more than I get,

Coz nothing I have is truly mine."

You never asked me this, but I’ll tell you anyway. I hate that everything I write turns out being about you. I hate that I can see where I’ll be ten years from now. I hate that you expect me to be a certain way, and then I am.

You never asked me, darling, but I’ll tell you anyway. I am going to go to Egypt one day. And Paris. And Rome. And all the clichéd places that one wants to see. Who knows, maybe even live there for a while. What scares me is that I’ll turn 50 and I still won’t have done any of this.

You never asked me, but lemme tell you anyway. I hate that you have an opinion on everything that I am. And I hate that it matters to me.

You, on the other hand, never asked me. Annoyingly selfless as you are, You gave me everything: birth, life, lessons and laughter, and still, you didn't ask me. All this time I have loved you and fought with you and rebelled against you. It took me a while to come around. You never asked me, but I’ll tell you anyway. I miss you. So much so that it aches. I do, I love you.

Ode to my Pimple

Wave the flags, and drop the anchor,
Fire the flare gun, and shout SOS
What’s right is now wrong,
It doesn’t make sense,
I’m in la la land, and something’s amiss.

It’s a mole hill, a mountain
On my face,
Oh what a situation,
What a terrible disgrace!!

Its pink and puss,
And full of disgust.
It spoiled all my plans!
It didn’t like my life in la la land.

The uninvited guest,
If I know what’s best
I won’t preen and prune
Or sulk or brood.
I’ll just watch it, obsessed
For days on end,
Till it decides to say goodbye
With a friendly bend
And departs with satisfaction,
at a job done well.
And leaves a small reminder
Of my days in cosmetic hell.

Yet, this small interruption
In my world of deception
Won’t deter me in the least
As I go back where it’s clean,
And glowy and smooth.
My friends, toodle doo!
Till my hormones come back
to a “normal” stand,
I’m going back to la la land!

ctrl-alt-del (part II)

Three easy steps to throw that useless other half out of your system! Refresh your life!

1. Ctrl – Take charge. Realize that you are in control of your life, your decisions, and your heart. Take control.

2. Alt - Alter your mindset. Alter your lifestyle. Alter everything that you know makes your heart skip a beat. Use step 1 while implementing rule 2. For example, when you get a whiff of that perfume you know so well, stop breathing. (You could just walk away, but the first is more entertaining for those around you.)

3. Del – Delete the bastard(s) from your life. Del everything that reminds you of them. Del, del, del. Throw it in the garbage, burn it, donate it. Never buy anything that would make you relapse to your previous lifestyle.

These three simple, easy to follow rules will help you be happier, look sexier and get back to your life. Do what you’ve been trying to do for months, or maybe even years – avoid that heartburn. Give your heart a rest. Follow the cntrl-alt-del steps, and shed those extra pounds!

ctrl-alt-del (part I)

To fight to the finish,
Was what I had planned for ages,
But helplessness,
In my mind and my soul,
Oh the deliciousness
Of letting myself go
Is tempting, is beckoning
But helplessness
Is such a sad state to be in
The helplessness
Would engulf my whole existence
Till I can’t find air to breathe in.
How easy it would be
To roll in self pity
To know this is the end,
Of consciousness.
But helplessness
Is something I can live without
And when I do
I find I’m free
I’m in control
I’m happy
The laughter seems a new
part of my reality,
I got you out of my mind
Out of my sight, out of my soul.
I’m free, wheeeeeee!
To live without a heart tied down
To a string tied down
To a stone
At the bottom of the sea.

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

It was a Monday, and a rainy one at that. I don't remember the date, just that, because years afterward, the song “Rainy days and Mondays” (you remember how we both liked the Carpenters, and Abba?) reminds me of that day. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Yes, it’s the other way around.

“No need to talk it out, we know what it’s all about”

And that’s what you did. So I talked it out with myself. Rationalized, negotiated, and then finally understood and accepted what had been the reality for you months and months before. It’s all good now, it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t.

I’ll never forget the ride home that day. Till that day, I had been spoiled, pampered, driven all the way back home. That day, I wanted to take a bus, and you didn’t mind. You dropped me off at the bus stop, and it was raining. I wonder if you knew that I hate being in the rain. You drove off, and I found myself tearing up. I don’t know if the lady next to me noticed the soft tears flowing, or that I spent half an hour trying to write exactly how I felt, in a text message. I wonder if you kept it.

There is so much that I can write, so much that I still remember. What I wore, what you said, how you said it, what you meant. It doesn't matter though, it was years ago, and I don’t miss you. Another friend’s story, of heartache, of walking away and not looking back, brought back memories, it seems of so long ago. That rainy Monday, I don’t know which one of us walked away, but I found my way back. I found my way home.

To-morrow

I can't sleep, can't sleep,
oh give me a break.
I need to work, I need to sweep
some little white mice off their feet
tomorrow morning, bright and early.
oh, it makes me grumbly,
to hear the clock ticking,
tick tock, constantly.
Now wouldn't it be swell,
if they stopped ticking as well
and pretended like I do,
like I don't need to work
and I don't need to worry,
like I won't be sorry,
when I ignore the bells ringing in my ear
and get up when afternoon is near.
No, I must rest, I must be prepared
for another day, a future bared.
one more bowl of cereal,
one more dash for the bus,
another search for missing keys.
another day, another clock.
nah, don't feel sorry for me,
its not as bad as I make it look. :)

Sometimes..

I'm trying to sleep and I can't. I'm not restless, but when I close my eyes, I can see, rather I can feel in my chest, a vast empty space, a big field or a meadow, with nothing but a big tree in the centre. The emptiness of it presses down on me, intimidates me. There is no wind, no breath, just a stifling rareness in the air. Then I imagine water filling up the field. Even though I can't see any walls or boundaries, the water rises, and fills it up. Now the water touches the lowest branches of the tree till it looks like it is gasping for air. And like this it will stand.. just like this, gasping for air, till you decide to pull the plug and let the water drain away...

LDR

It’s the relatively new word in my vocabulary, newer than LOL and older than FML. It’s the new phenomenon affecting the lives of young adults, and consequently older adults in this new world we like to call the global village. It arises from the abundance of choices, or the lack of it. It’s the Long Distance Relationship.

My feelings towards LDR are ambiguous at best. While necessary and unavoidable, they cause a lot of… let me see if I can put this any other way… nope, can’t. Unhappiness. Complications include time zones, geographical differences; side effects include an increased fondness for the telephone, the laptop and the internet.

Lately, my whole life seems like a long distance relationship. Parents, sister, nieces, friends, pet.. Love, hate, fight, support, cry, laugh, over the telephone. My brain seems to have a LDR with my body. My weekdays have a LDR with my weekend, and my weekend feels like my work is on another planet!

But what am I complaining about? The choices I have made, however good or poor, have brought me here. And honestly, no regrets. While no one was looking, I got confused, I made some sense, I figured me out and I got lost again. I found some friends, and some not-so-much-of-friends. I grew up. Yep, no regrets. Because in the end, I think it’ll all be worth it. Isn’t that what we tell ourselves?

A Song for the Spring

When you hang up the phone,
do you laugh a little laugh?
When you're on the bus alone,
do you smile a smile-and-a-half?
Does the sun look happier with the bumble bee?
Does the grass look greener, do you see
the flowers,
the yellow amongst the green,
the white laden on the trees?
Do you give yourself a quiet hug,
do you feel like the world
could be more than a shrug?
more than rice, more than brown
more than a handshake and a frown.
You are happy, my friend
Its all part of the plan,
of the vagaries of life,
So spread the magic while you can.

=)

Bus Stop

There's the one on the phone all the time.

Then there's the one with the mirror in her hand, fixing her lip gloss as she waits.

The one with the ipod pretending the world doesnt matter.

The one in shorts on a windy day, shivering his ass off.

The one eating chips for breakfast.

And the one who almost misses the bus, in a huff and a puff.

The snob, the friendly face, the smile, the glare.

The loner, the group, the couple, the crowd.

The one who doesn't know where he's going,

and the one who doesn't want to find out.

Which one are you?

Distracted

The aider in place,
The abettor in its case.
Everything is set,
for productivity at its best.
And still, minds wander
to places, times fonder.
The buzz is incessant
The voices incoherent.
Stop talking, stop laughing
Your voice is distracting.
Oh why can't i see
what is right in front of me?
I should pull my wits together,
stop writing this letter!
Start learning what I should know
so in my time, I can go.

Twelve

December, could I be there forever?

December, when I felt at home.

December, when my thoughts weren’t cold.

December, my beginning, my end, my new, my old.

December, how can I let you be?

Remember the giant wheel, the lighted tree?

Reunited, we found the sandy shore

We found the past, and made some more.

Remember the skyline, the butterfly, the whale?

The climb on the rocks, the margarita on the bay,

December, you made me laugh so hard,

All parts of me adored, every bit and shard.

December, could I love you forever?

The starry skies, the blurry days.

I do, Unconditional-ly surrender

To the New Year’s bell, the Hard Rock café.

December, would you come back to me?

Could you be something more than a memory?

Can I pretend that time won’t steal you away from me?

Could you stay the Unceasing, my solace, my all and every?

---

Night after day, you go so far away.

I can see you waving a sad goodbye.

But wait, what’s this you left behind?

Is this to help me let go, or to help me find?

Hide and seek

Holi crept up on me when I wasn’t paying attention.

Just like a couple of other things.

You, for example. And the sunshine you bring.

The rain and the wind, they caught me by surprise.

The picture, the lost earring, the truth and the lies,

To all things unexpected, I can gulp and adjust,

Swallow the pride, the expectations, the trust.

What happened to the colours I threw on you, my friend?

Where did you go while time was trying to mend

The cracks in the jar, the tear in the tee?

All this time I thought you were right behind me

I didn’t see how fast I could walk, how careless I could be.

It creeps up on you when you expect it the least

And leaves you reeling with a feeling of unease.

And yet, sometimes, the unexpected can please.

When you look and you search,

and you pray that you find,

That’s when it’s sure

to play hard-to-get, and hide.

And then you sigh and you look

The other way and pretend

To be happy with what you took,

And then it begins, or does it end?

It creeps up on you when you expect it the least

And sometimes the feeling is anything but unease.

You thought you had futilely searched

Far and wide, and halfway around the world.

Who knew it was there, in your sight but far away.

Till it came to you, when you thought it had flown away.

I was dreaming, so I couldn't be snoring, right?

There was rain, and there was snow. How could they be falling together? I looked up with wondrous awe. Ah, but that was part of the charm.

Sun. There was a bicycle. An old lady on a bicycle, riding very very fast. Almost like roadrunner. Except this was on the green lush hills of Missouri. Or was it the Great Wall of China? She left behind a very slow, very confused old man also on a bicycle. She was having too much fun to look back.

My sister was getting married. I could hear everyone just outside. Why is the room full of suitcases? My stuff is here somewhere, if only I could find it. My mother calls. Wait, don’t start without me!

My tooth fell out. Not easily. It dangled on a hook for some time, then popped out. I smiled at the mirror. Oh no, there’s a gaping hole that shows!!

A man in a bright yellow suit. Now why would anyone wear a yellow suit AND be singing on stage? At first it made me smile, and I wanted to laugh, but I was too timid to. Besides, there were so many people around me, strangers. Where did they come from? How did the man in the yellow suit end up on screen? Everyone was laughing. I tried hard not to. But I couldn’t not. I ended up laughing too much.

None of it makes sense, I hardly ever do. But I woke up with a smile, and went out of the house in a good mood and a hurry.

Wait, is that rain? And is that snow? I need an umbrella.

I need to wake up.

10 amazing facts about dreams